The Terror of the Sebactoids
by Draculasaurus Derbyshire
Summary: The TARDIS crew explores cultural differences about the removal of body hair while having an exciting adventure with robots. Despite the subject matter there are no sexual situations or foul language.


Terror of the Sebactoids

by Draculasaurus Derbyshire

The Doctor had pulled an ornate and heavy looking wooden chair right up to TARDIS console and was sitting at it like a desk, peering intently at the circuitry behind the open panel. Jamie McCrimmon leaned lightly against one side of the complicated hexagonal control console, looking off at nothing.

"Well, are you done yet?" asked Jamie with a yawn

The Doctor looked up, raising his magnifying goggles to his forehead.

"I think I might be." he said with a triumphant tone

"Well what about this wee thing then?" asked Jamie holding up a palm sized disc with a slowly flashing blue light

The Doctor's face fell into a frown.

"Oh dear, oh dear" he exclaimed "The directional relay?Where did that come from?"

"You told me to hold it." said Jamie

"But I've put it all back together already!" said The Doctor

"Not all of it, you haven't." said Jamie

"Well, I must have found a work-around, streamlined things making it redundant."

"Aye, that must be what you've done." said Jamie incredulously "I'll just hold on to it, just in case you're wrong, shall I?"

The Doctor eyed the circuitry with a grimace.

"Yes, maybe you should." said the Doctor "-just on the outside chance, you know."

"Doctor, I've been thinking that maybe I've been too hard on you; too critical of your ability to steer the TARDIS." said Jamie

"Well, that's very nice to hear." said The Doctor "It really is very difficult."

"Aye, I'm sure it is, what with all of your shoddy repair jobs." said Jamie

The Doctor's face fell.

"Oh Jamie, I'll have you know that-"

"Doctor.." Zoe interrupted, entering the control room with a distressed look on her face.

"Yes Zoe, what is it?" asked The Doctor

Zoe looked down at the floor, embarrassed.

"Couldn't I tell you in private, Doctor?" she asked

"There's nothing to be embarrassed about, I'm sure." said Jamie reassuringly "Whatever it is, I want to help."

"All right." she began "When I was in the shower this morning, I was hurrying and not paying attention to what I was doing. I had gotten some soap in my eyes, and when I reached for the depilation cream, I guess I grabbed the wrong bottle. Well, it had the opposite effect, and when I finally found the depilation cream it wouldn't work, I used the whole bottle, and nothing happened!"

"I don't understand." said Jamie "What's this stuff do? The deep elation cream?"

"Depilation." corrected The Doctor clasping his hands together awkwardly "Depilation is the act of removing unwanted hair. It's part of some people's grooming procedure."

"All right, so it makes your hair fall out, but what's the problem?" asked Jamie "Zoe's hair looks fine?"

The Doctor's eyes rolled around searching for the right words.

"Well Jamie," The Doctor said "as you must be perfectly aware, the adult humanoid grows hair in many different places, not just on the scalp."

"Oh Aye!" said Jamie "I'm aware of it. I just didn't know people were trying get it to fall out is all. What to look like a wee baby? Why would someone want that?"

"Some more sophisticated societies find it desirable to-"

"Oh no!" interrupted Jamie with an accusatory tone "There's just something a little prideful in the way you said 'sophisticated'."

"What do you mean prideful?" The Doctor replied, avoiding Jamie's gaze "I was just stating a simple fact."

"Oh no!" repeated Jamie coming around the console to face the evasive Doctor.

"Not you Doctor?" said Jamie inspecting the Time Lord with a look of distaste. "I can hardly believe it; you going around with your business all bare and plucked like a Christmas goose. A fatherly figure like you!"

Zoe buried her face in her hands.

"Well, it's popular because it's seen as clean and ...uncluttered." said The Doctor

"It sounds right dirty if you ask me." said Jamie "Where I come from there's a saying: When the garden's two hands wide, she's old enough to be your bride."

"Oh my giddy aunt, Jamie!" cried the Doctor "They don't have any such saying I'm sure!"

"Don't you try to turn this around on me. There's nothing wrong with being attracted to signs of sexual maturity. It's when you're trying to hide them away, that's what you need to worry about. Going around shorn like a sheep come March."

"All right, all right Jamie," said the Doctor "you've made your point. Let's focus on the problem at hand. Zoe, is that the bottle?"

Zoe handed the dark, stout, green bottle to the Doctor and he turned it over inspecting the label.

"Dr. Knickerbocker's Amazing Poontangle Shampoo" he read aloud.

"Now, where did this come from?" he said

"I had never seen it before" said Zoe

The Doctor leaned in to examine the label.

"This can't be the original label." said The Doctor "It must have been pasted over by another label which has fallen off in the humid air of the shower."

He held the bottle up in the light to read the fine printing on the label.

"Manufactured on Pandenarius Three in the forty third century by their local reckoning. That shouldn't be too difficult of a trip." said the Doctor

He handed the bottle to Jamie and began to program the time ship's journey into the elaborate controls.

"Yes. There we are." said the Doctor "We should be there in no time." he said flipping a large switch

The TARDIS shuddered and heaved and the three occupants were thrown to the floor.

"I though you said you'd fixed this bucket of bolts!" said Jamie

"I'll have you know that it is in perfect working order! It's just that I had the temporal parallax compiler off line in order to make the repairs, and I simply forgot to reengage it." said the Doctor climbing to his feet

"Now we'll be on our way." the Doctor said as the central column began to rise and fall and the TARDIS was filled with the gentle rasping, heaving noise of flight.

"Are you all right?" Jamie asked Zoe

"Yes, I'm all right." she said

"I, uh. I'm sorry if I was rude earlier." he said helping her to her feet

"That's all right Jamie." Zoe said

"It doesn't hurt does it?" he asked

"No, it's just embarrassing." she said smiling a little

"Well, we're just about there I think," said The Doctor "but I'm not quite sure what year to aim for. Zoe, isn't there anything more specific on the bottle?"

Jamie handed it to her and she began examining it.

"Yes Doctor, there is. It says: Best if used by the fourteenth of 'Gornath' 4277."

"All right," said The Doctor "I'll just aim for about a year before that and on the edge of the largest technological centre, and...

Jamie and Zoe clutched the edge of the console nervously until The Doctor shot them an indignant look over time column.

"I assure you, that will quite unnecessary." he said "You can expect a perfectly smooth materialisation."

The transparent column gently slid to a halt and The Doctor smiled broadly at them.

"You see," he began.

Suddenly the TARDIS tilted wildly and all three occupants were hurled across the floor.

"Now that's what you call perfectly smooth, is it?" Jamie asked

"Oh, Heavens Jamie, that wasn't me!" said The Doctor

"Not you?" asked Zoe "Then what happened?"

"We had already materialised, so it must have been something outside of the TARDIS!"

"Well, if we're here, we may as well have a look." said Jamie

The large inner doors made a gentle hum as the Doctor opened them. Jamie stepped through the dark antechamber and opened the Police Box doors.

"Now be careful, Jamie." said The Doctor

"It's dark and foggy, but I don't see anything to cause that rocking around." Jamie called back through the open doorway. "Maybe it's just a bit of uneven ground."

Zoe and The Doctor joined Jamie outside the TARDIS.

"The TARDIS's scanner can't see anything either." said The Doctor

Suddenly bright lights came on, shining down from an enormous cargo loading robot.

"Look, Doctor!" cried Zoe

"Oh, my word!" exclaimed The Doctor

The robot quickly scooped them up into a large metal container. After a few seconds of darkness some small lights came on and a fan began to whir and they found themselves on the floor of a small compartment.

"Jamie, you said that there was nothing out there!" said The Doctor

"Oh, no. I said that I didn't see anything." said Jamie

"Doctor," said Zoe "do you feel that vibration? I think we're moving."

"Yes, Zoe. I think you're right." said The Doctor "Now all we can do is wait."

The Doctor sat against the wall and looked lost in deep thought. After a while he sat forward.

"It's just an aesthetic choice. It doesn't have any deeper meaning. Anyway, you shave your face." he said "I don't see how that's any different."

"Oh, now! Plenty of laddies of an age appropriate for sex don't have any beard to speak of. It's not like I'm trying to look like a wee child, like some people strutting 'round, tatties bald as a coot."

"Can we talk about something else, please." said Zoe

"Er, yes." said The Doctor "Anyway, I think the machine is slowing down."

Soon they heard a metallic clang and felt the small room shudder. Then one of the walls slid to the side revealing a similar but larger room.

"Hello?" said The Doctor slowly entering the room. "Can anyone hear me? We're just passing through and seem to have gotten caught up in your robot."

A square section of the wall began to glow and the image of a man appeared wearing a light blue uniform. He was thin, pale and his head was completely hairless. Jamie gave The Doctor a look of mock wonderment.

"Er, yes. Hello." said The Doctor "Can you help us? We've been scooped up by a robot and brought here by accident."

"I'm afraid it wasn't an accident." said the man on the view screen. "I'm sorry. I have some rather bad news for you. It's the Sebactoids. They've taken over the whole place!"

"What place?" asked Zoe "Where are we and who are you?"

"It's Dr. Knickerbocker's. The shampoo company. My name is Kurgurt, I work here. They've taken over the whole place and the factory."

"and they took all of your hair?" asked Jamie

"No." said the man "I have Alopecia, I never had any hair. It's just a coincidence that I work here, but it's the only reason I'm still alive. They killed everyone else!"

"Who did?" asked The Doctor "Who are these Sebactoids?"

"They're some kind of colony bacteria that uses triglyserides for reproduction." said Kurgurt "We were working on something that would stimulate hair growth. It must have changed something in the holocrine secretions of the test subjects. Their evolutionary rate with unlimited access to triglyserides is nothing short of miraculous. They developed intelligence in a matter of days! Before we could figure out why the test subjects were ill, the Sebactoids had learned to operate the facility's computers and the robots."

Kurgurt suddenly looked nervous as a multi armed humanoid robot came into view behind him.

"I'm really sorry about this." he said as he started pushing buttons on the console in front of him.

"Kurgurt, free us." said The Doctor "We'll help you."

"I'm sorry" said Kurgurt "I'm a victim too, I'm just trying to survive."

"Look out!" cried Zoe as the wall behind them slid open and three of the robots emerged.

Jamie raised his fist to strike the first robot but a strong, flexible metal tentacle captured his wrist. In seconds Zoe and the Doctor were also restrained. Jamie and The Doctor were dragged down a bright corridor and taken to a room with rows of medical examination beds. The robots forced them down on the beds while automatic restraints emerged and bound their legs and arms.

"Hey! Let me out of this contraption you doaty doohickey!" shouted Jamie as the robots left and the door closed behind them.

"It's no use Jamie." said The Doctor "They're just assembly line automatons. They probably aren't even able to hear."

"Well, I can't do much other than holler, bound up like this." said Jamie

"Yes," said The Doctor "but we need to remain calm in order to think of some way out of this predicament."

"Aye," said Jamie "but what can we do?"

Suddenly robotic arms with rectangular tools on the end emerged from under their beds.

"Doctor!" cried Jamie "They're going to kill us!"

"No, Jamie, wait. These look like simple scanning devices."

The rectangular tools oriented themselves and small buttons on top began flashing. They began emitting a soft blue light and slowly moving over Jamie and The Doctor's bodies.

"Yes, see Jamie? There's nothing to worry about yet." said The Doctor

The scanners slowly moved up their legs, but when the one on Jamie's bed reached a point just below waist level it stopped and began scanning from side to side.

"Oh, no you don't!" said Jamie "Doctor what's it doing to me?"

"It's probably just overwhelmed by that barbarian display you're so proud of." said The Doctor

"It's no time for that kind of talk, Doctor!" said Jamie

The scanner refocused and its beam narrowed and became much brighter.

"Oh, no!" cried Jamie in a panic "It's lasering me Doctor! It's getting hot!"

"Hold on Jamie!" shouted The Doctor

Jamie cried out as a bright arc of electricity flashed between his body and the scanner head. The scanner slumped back toward the foot of the bed smoking and the restraints fell open. Jamie leaped out of the bed.

"It's burned a hole straight through my sporran!" he exclaimed

"Oh heavens, Jamie" said The Doctor "I can't bear to look. Is there much blood?"

"Doctor, my sporran is the pouch that hangs at my belt. I'm fine."

Jamie found the button to release The Doctor from the bed. The Doctor got down from the bed and picked up the smoking sporran.

"It was the Directional Relay from the TARDIS console" he said holding up the blackened disc. "That was a lucky thing Jamie. The frequency of the scanner must have cause it to discharge."

"I'd forgotten that it was in there. It didn't feel all that lucky at the time," said Jamie "but at least we're free."

"Yes," said The Doctor "and we had better make use of our freedom before the Sebactoids realise what's happened."

Jamie and the Doctor cautiously entered the hallway.

"Now where have they put Zoe?" said Jamie

"Let's try this way." said The Doctor starting down the hall.

They quietly made their way deeper into the building.

"Doctor, I hear footsteps." whispered Jamie

"Quick." said The Doctor "into this alcove."

They hid as the footsteps got closer. A figure walked past, not noticing them.

"That's what's his name." said Jamie "Hey!" he said grabbing Kurgurt by the arm and pulling him into the alcove. Kurgurt looked terrified.

"They'll kill me if they see me talking to you." he said

"Oh, aye. You just tell us where they've put our friend, Zoe," said Jamie "or The Doctor here will use his sonic screwdriver on you."

"Er, yes" said The Doctor "patting his pockets looking for the device."

"All right." said Kurgurt "They have her in the central lab, but the robots are in there. There's nothing anyone can do."

"Where are the robots controlled from?" asked The Doctor

"From the factory office, but you can't get there either. Robot guards are posted in the only hallway that leads there."

"There must be more than one way. More than one hallway in this big place." said Jamie

"Well, you could get there through the executive break room, but I can't open the door. It's locked with a custom code, a riddle. I never knew it. Everyone who did has been killed."

"I'm rather good at riddles." said The Doctor with a little smile "show us the way."

Kurgurt led them through the corridors to a thick wooden door with an electronic lock.

"That's as much as I can do." said Kurgurt backing away from them.

"Come with us, Kurgurt," said Jamie "we'll help you."

Kurgurt said nothing and ran away around the corner.

"Now, let's see what we have here." said The Doctor

The control panel lit up at his touch and he looked at it intently for a while.

"Well what does it say, Doctor?" asked Jamie.

"Just let me think, Jamie," said The Doctor "It's a riddle and I need to concentrate."

"We don't have time to spare, Doctor. Just tell me what it says."

The Doctor let out a sigh.

"Why did the woman drive herself in a limousine to the bikini waxing parlour before going to the beach?" quoted The Doctor.

Jamie thought for a moment.

"Oh, I know!" he said

"Jamie, be serious. You can't have figured it out already!"

"I most certainly did." said Jamie

"Well what is it then?" demanded The Doctor.

"Because she didn't want a chauffeur."

The Doctor stared at Jamie blankly, not understanding.

"Sound it out." suggested Jamie

The Doctor stared for a moment and then his face dropped into a look of distaste.

"Oh, heavens, Jamie!" The Doctor said in a scolding tone

"I didn't write it, Doctor" said Jamie "I just figured it out is all."

"I'm not typing that in!" said The Doctor

"Well, I don't know how to spell it!" said Jamie "Type it in and be quick about it, will you!"

The Doctor typed Jamie's solution into the control panel and the lock opened with a soft click.

The Doctor gave Jamie a nasty look. They passed through the stylish executive break room and into the hallway on the opposite side.

"There, look Jamie" said The Doctor, gesturing toward a map on the wall. "You go down this way to the central laboratory. That's where they've taken Zoe."

"And where will you go Doctor?" said Jamie

"I'll head towards the factory and try to disable these blasted robots at the source," said The Doctor running his finger across the map "and then I'll try to meet you here at the Western exit."

"Aye, that's a plan" said Jamie and he started off down the hallway.

Jamie jogged along until he came to an intersection of corridors. He peeked around the corner and saw a robot. It was facing away from him and didn't appear to have detected him.

"It's just my luck. It'll have eyes in the back of its head." thought Jamie

Jamie sneaked across the hallway on tiptoes. He took a quick look to see if he had been spotted, but the robot was still facing the other direction. Jamie let out breath in relief and continued down the corridor until he came to a windowed control room. He carefully approached the window and peeked inside. He saw two of the robots facing away from him operating a control panel and Kurgurt was standing to one side watching them. Kurgurt looked up and saw his face in the window. Jamie gestured for him to keep quiet. Kurgurt looked panicked. His eyes nervously went back and forth between Jamie and the robots. Jamie made a gesture with his palms out imploring Kurgurt to stay calm as he began creeping past the window. Suddenly Kurgurt was pointing at him and shouting to the robots.

"Kurgurt, you damned cowardly fool!" hissed Jamie as the two robots turned around spotting him.

The robots extended their tentacle arms toward him and the glass shattered. Jamie dove away and barely escaped the reach of the strong metal arms coming through the window, but the robots were quickly through the control room door. They were above him before he could regain his feet.

"Stop!" shouted Jamie "I'm a robot too!"

The robots stood still looking at him blankly.

"Aye, I'm a robot under the control of the bacteria things too." said Jamie "It turns out hey had some very realistic Scottish robots upstairs and that's what I am. You know, for testing out shampoo and all."

The robots remained motionless while Jamie cautiously climbed to his feet.

"I was just on my way to get some, uh, electricity. Would you like for me to bring you a couple of...?"

Jamie waved his hand in front of the robots' faces.

"Oh, then the Doctor's turned you off has he?" said Jamie "That's a blessed relief, it is."

Jamie walked into the control room and punched Kurgurt in the face. Kurgurt fell to the ground sniveling and Jamie walked straight through into the main lab without speaking to him.

Zoe was restrained on one of the examination tables. The robots had removed her clothes. Jamie quickly walked to the table while removing his fur lined vest and covered her with it.

"Zoe, are you all right?" asked Jamie quietly as he pressed the button to withdraw the restraints.

"They didn't do anything else to me," said Zoe "but you must have seen, I'm hideous."

Zoe looked away from him.

"Zoe," said Jamie "don't you know that you're just completely normal?"

"What?" asked Zoe

"You're just perfectly normal." said Jamie "at least what I though was perfectly normal until today."

"You don't mean that this is what you thought I was always like?" asked Zoe

"Aye, it is." said Jamie "-not to say that I thought about it, but you know, if I did that's what I would think of."

Zoe began to smile.

"And The Doctor?" she asked

"I assumed he was normal too," said Jamie "especially him!"

They both laughed.

"I guess maybe what's normal for me doesn't have to be what's normal for you" said Jamie

"And maybe I'm not so hideous after all," said Zoe "but I still wouldn't mind some more clothes just the same."

"Oh, I know just the thing." said Jamie

He walked back to the control room and quickly returned with a large, white clean suit.

"This should do the trick all right." he said

Jamie turned his back as Zoe put on the crinkly plastic suit.

"It's not exactly my size." said Zoe as she handed Jamie back his vest.

"We're supposed to meet The Doctor at this exit here. You might not have to wear it for long." said Jamie

Jamie went to the large garage doors in the laboratory wall and pressed the button to open them. Sunlight flooded in and there they saw The Doctor standing on top of a huge loading robot on tank treads. He waved his handkerchief and called out to them.

"There you are. Is everyone all right?"

"We're both all right, Doctor." said Zoe

"Then climb aboard!" shouted The Doctor

Kurgurt appeared at the doorway.

"Take me with you!" he cried

Jamie turned to face him.

"No, you can tell the local authorities what happened." said Jamie "They'll take care of you."

Zoe and Jamie climbed up to join The Doctor on the top of the loading machine. The Doctor reached inside of an open panel with a few dozen wires hanging out.

"Here we go." he said "Er, you should both probably hold on to something."

Zoe grabbed the railing tightly and looked over at Jamie.

"Back to normal for us." she said


End file.
